Cancer

hi,
It's me, Jason. I am sorry that I don't have any cute pictures or anything that remotely defines who we are or anything like that tonight, but this:
Cancer.
Strange name isn't it, like something taboo or estranged from you, yet so much a part of your life. At least that is how it feels for me....
I have known quite a few people in my life that have had "cancer". I too might be the culprit of such a disease on day. There is one I remember in particular, Joy's aunt (I feel like I cursed by typing her name, from now on, I will call her Jehoviah because Jehoviah makes me think of the plastic people knocking on the door with books and things). Ah yes, Jehoviah's aunt... Well she was a smoker, but from what I remember the cancer wasn't caused by smoking, it was caused by something else. She had a granddaughter, just a few months old. She had two kids, one like 19 or 20 with a daughter (duh!) and one that was like, I don't know, 13 or 14. Anyway, she was very cool. Pretty laid back and liberal. Well she got the cancer and died. Most people looked at her like it was a horrible death and a tragedy to die so young. Well it was, I agree. But, she had plenty of time to say her goodbye's and make her peace in the world before she went. Still wasn't a good deal though. She was a nice lady.
My friends mom had cancer, also a bad deal. She seems well now, but my friend, well he is what one might call a "momma's boy" so I felt real bad for him, real bad.
But cancer......I think it sounds taboo because it is called cancer, it makes me think of horoscopes and things of that nature. Usually, when I see someone with Cancer, they talk of God. I remember my Grandad talking about God and he isn't religious in the least. I think it sort of becomes a contradiction with normalcy because it has such a supernatural sort of name.
Cancer, makes me think of horoscopes and stars and what kind day lays ahead. Five star? Not usually.
So anyway, to get to the point at hand, I got this friend, a real kind of friend. Not the type of friend you talk to everyday about personal stuff, but the type of friend that demands your respect. How does a person demand respect? I don't know, you just see it, you see it in her children, you see it in her eyes, and you see it by the things you know of her in the present, and the things you have learned about her in the past.
I respect her.
Hard working.
Caring
Giving.
One of the greatest mom's in the entire world. I know this because I know she believes in forgiveness..and unconditional love, which is a rare quality in today's society.
She believes in God... I know, how can I count this as a trait deserving respect if I don't so much believe in the same God myself...you know Jesus and all of that kind of stuff...
Well she does... but in a real way... a forgiving and humble way. The way you can't buy. the way you just know is true. I have seen it in people in life, Namely my Granny. Well she's got it, and I admire it.
It's breast cancer. The fact that it is breast cancer humbles me even more. It isn't that I see her in that kind of way, the way guys look at girls. I see her in the way of a true woman... I mean that. The way of a woman that is kind, but hard. The way of a woman that makes you realize that you and your penis and you just don't have it all figured out.
She makes me think of motherly instinct and unconditional love. The type of girl that would be there when your life as you know it falls apart (which mine kind of did how in respect to how I know it to be, it's ok, I am much better now). This person, well she is real....How often is it that you can say that you see people who are real? For me, few and far between.
She will be gone for awhile...and I don't like it.
I like it for the fact that she will get better, but I don't like it for the fact that, although I don't speak to her all the time, I know that she is there. And now, in the pyhsical way, she isn't.
Everybody needs people who are just "there".
I wish her the best of luck and I want her to know that I am by her side.
Today, and where tomorrow may take us.
I want her to know that I am "there". Maybe not exactly where she is, but somewhere in between. Why?
I believe that it is that one's who are like her that are the ones who will make wrong world go right. No Republicans, Democrats, christian, or Jews.
Just a mom, a wish, a dream.
and you.

Most Valuable Player.......

It's been a while since I've actually sat down and looked at this blog that we have started, and honestly...I've come to conclusion that we are busier than what we think or even lead on to be. We haven't had the extra time to stop and jot something down. But I feel had a moment with Paul this weekend and I wanted to share how proud I am of him. These last couple of weeks I've had the suspicion that Paul might be entering his "preteen years." "But he's only ten!" is the excuse that I kept coming up with in my mind when I would see him act out because HE wasn't getting what he wanted, when he wanted or even how he wanted it. His actions weren't those of one who might of just woke up on the wrong side of bed that morning. This was starting to be a daily routine for him. And Jason and I were even more puzzled when his actions turned into physical actions as slamming doors, throwing the first thing that he could get his hands on to throw.....the anger and frustration that was coming out of this child who would have tears just pouring down his face as he yelled out the normal "I hate you's! And one that I used quite often during my "preteen years..."You guys just don't care about me!" The normal behavior a preteen boy who thinks he knows it all and really isn't listening to anything anyone is saying to him, unless it's something HE WANTS to hear or HE WANTS to participate in. Then "the day" came......the day his teacher gave him his progress report to take home. I knew it was "the day" as soon as my sister called to let me know that he was very nervous about coming home. She felt so sorry for him. You could hear his fear in her voice. She knew. She knew that he was getting into trouble and that his behavior at the time, sucked.
Now I love the way his teacher laid out the progress report. For each subject it listed out each assignment, test and homework that was given followed by a grade and comments for the given grade. This caught Jason's attention and he asked Paul to read them a loud. He started reading them aloud and his assignments and tests that were given IN school were average, average enough to stay out of trouble, but I did make a mental note that we were going to discuss average and improvement, but it got worse. Worse...meaning, all I heard was the letter "F' followed by "Didn't return homework." I was floored. Immediately I turned around to the backseat of the car and looked at him. I looked at him and let him know right then that I was finished. He knew he was done! I know exactly what he was thinking at that moment as my eyes were staring him down. And sure enough he did it. The next mouthful out of his mouth is the point where I turned around in my seat and looked over at Jason and not surprisingly, he almost had the same look I did, but somewhere inside of him he was grinning. I'm sure of it, because without any hesitation he started asking questions. And Paul just couldn't keep up with the questions that he was being asked. Paul instantly blamed football practice. Now everyone that is involved in our family's daily routine knows that Paul Robert has plenty of time for homework. Before and after practice. He is asked everyday if he has homework and not only is he asked, his book bag is checked by his aunt and myself everyday. This is not something that is new to Paul. Nothing has changed in the 7 years he has been going to school. He knew there was consequences and definitely no Halo 3. Now if anyone knows anything about Halo 3 knows that the release of the game was a huge deal. Paul has been waiting a long 3 years for Halo 3 to be released and here was the day. The same day his teacher handed him that piece of paper had now ended that long wait. He gave up at the moment when we answered the question that he didn't even dare ask but was dying to know. "There will be no Halo 3 Paul." I felt bad for him until he lost it and flipped because he knew he screwed up. He refused to go to football practice that evening as he was being dropped off and decided to throw that preteen fit because he couldn't just go down to his room and slam his door. He was not going to convince Jason or I that football was to blame. Jason brought to my attention that he needs to get organized. Life is starting to change for him. He has started the 5th grade and the juggle of life is starting to begin for him. I realized what Jason was saying. My little munckin is heading into manhood and he doesn't need his mama on his back all the time. Jason sat Paul down that night and organized a binder with Paul. Now this binder. I love it! The binder consists of several tabs, one for his homework and if I remember correctly that breaks down into sections by the grade that was given, past progress reports, upcoming projects. The front pocket inside the binder is where he is to place all papers that are required to go back to school (now if you know Jason, you know these are labeled as well) and the back pocket is for all papers that are to go home. So it's all in one place broke down to where he knows where everything is to be placed and to be returned home every day. Jason and him sit down every night after dinner and go through the papers that he brought home that day and place the ones that stay in the binder to show where he might need help and to show him his own improvement. I was proud of Jason at that moment. I am proud of him because as a parent he made the right decision. For a moment he stepped into Paul's shoes and realized that Paul is growing up and just needed a little steering to get him back on the right track. We all need it every once in a while. I realized by Jason doing this that I also needed to do the same with Paul. I had to face one of the many milestones that most parents have to face and sometimes its easier said then done and that is that my little munchkin is growing up and is entering a time in his life that is going to be confusing and very challenging. So I decided that I was going to be just as persistent as he was about finishing out the football season. I explained to him that, he has to finish what he started. He made a commitment to his team, coaches and his family with signing up for Football this year. I don't think he took me too seriously at first because he was still persistent about not going. It took two practices after our "team player" talk and he was hooked again. I think he even appreciates the team and coaches even more, by some of the comments he has made since his comeback.
And so this brings me to the title of this entry. Saturday Paul had a football game in Kingman and even though his team lost, Paul kicked butt! He was definitely on fire at that game and he knows he played damn well. I also know that he realized that if you are truly committed....it WILL pay off in the end. And he proved that to himself on Saturday. After that game the team walked off the field, many of them with their heads to the ground. I could almost feel the battle wounds they accumulated in an hour and half but they knew what was coming next as they kneed to the ground. And it didn't take long for one of the coaches to say something. He asked them to raise their hand if they felt they played their best on that field. Not one hand went into the air. But I know Paul felt good and giddy inside even though he was injured himself. You could see the smile he had when we were walking back to the car. He knew he accomplished something on that field and he was proud of himself. And he should because I sure am. :0)

just a piece of daddy's love

As I was putting Kaeden to bed the other night I passed his chalkboard that he got for his birthday and noticed his daddy had been through earlier that evening and left a message for Kaeden.


A wish
A fish
A smile
A kiss
A little boy
with little toys
And a big imagination
with hopes and dreams
And thoughts and schemes
And fears like you and me
Play today
All day today
Vroom Vroom Tractor or Truck
Please little Bubba Don't Grow Up
The love you have has filled me up
When what I say is not enough

I told myself I would write a blog on this again. I don't have much to say. Actually I have a lot to say but my mind is everywhere else but here. I will let the pictures explain some of these thoughts. Please take a moment to look at the pictures of Kaedens birthday that Stacie posted. They are much funner to look at then anything I can think to write about right now. More to come.
thanks
jason

BE WHO YOU ARE - NOT WHO YOU ARE TRYING TO BECOME

Today I am having a shitty day. You know what I am talking about; it is one of those days when you wake up in a bad mood and no matter how much you try to cheer yourself up, your surliness just grows.

One thing is to be sour for a reason - when I have a peg to put my misery on, it is somehow easier. The fault is outside of me, things being done to me, other people/situations/force maj eure is to blame. To hell with them all!

But days like these - when nothing is really wrong - everything is just fine, except my mood, now these days are the worst! Since I have trouble just accepting stuff, especially feelings, I always search for adequate explanations. Usually when I get like this I blame my relentless ambitions. No matter what I do or what I achieve I always feel like I am supposed to be somewhere else and if I only get there I will be happy.

The fun is always elsewhere - right?

Right, but it is when we turn left that the real fun begins......we walk, drive, sit, kneel and pray.

then we stop....

because we just don't know what it is that we should pray for

or who is listening.

and we judge ourselves for who we are not

but for who we think we are.

on these days we are trapped

we throw punches in the air

trying to land on something concrete.

and the songs keep playing.

and the sky keeps shaking.

but so you know....

i would...

i would put my hand in your mouth

to get the pit from your stomach

i would....

sell you something you don't need just so you would have it in case you ever did.

i would...

give you a kiss in the rain so that for one instant

or one moment

life stops

and we feel clean.

What I want
All I really wanted
Just to live my life on high
(REM)

Football season has offically started in this household! Now don't get me wrong I'm very excited, but I know what comes with Paul starting Jr. Football. MADNESS! Routine? Forget it! The only routine around here is how long it takes to get to Kaeden after work, then back to the house, Paul in his gear, change the baby's diaper, make a bottle, grab the diaper bag, stop and think, and I say this because if I don't...then I know something or even possibly someone is going to be left behind...get both boys in the car and go back to work to get the "one" person that will take one look at his family and just know. He just knows what has occured in the last hour and with this in mind he brings kisses for me, smiles for Kaeden and the famous" yo mama jokes" for Paul. This year is going to be a special one though, Jason and I think Kaeden is going to take his first steps very soon.
The little guy is growing with some speed. Just a couple of months ago I was getting anxious for him to start crawling. He would get up on his knees and rock back and forth and eventually he did figure out how to crawl backwards which was an accomplishment for him because he would always get a smile on his face but he was persistent....one of the many traits that he gets from his daddy. And then before we knew it he was taking off with speed in the right direction, but with him being persistent also came the creative side of Kaeden. (passing the computer over to Jason)
Jason - Persistant, independant, resiliant, hard headed, however you should see it through your own eyes. I see it like this: Part of me thinks that he is the next Einstien, Dali, Eddie Vedder, possibly Marilyn Manson, but mainly just Kaeden. The little boy who knows who he is and what he wants and how to smile or whine to get it. And when that doesn't work, he keeps trying until he finds something that does. Kaeden....the boy who leaves me speechless. Walking barefoot in the grass with his little car....turning for the camera at just the right time....and they learn...they learn everything about everything all at once. He has developed the distant stare that the family attributes to his dad and I often wonder what goes on in the little boy's mind. Could the answer to world peace lie in the eyes of a ten month old child? We watch the bombs exploded under the hum-vies and Paris sob a little now and then...but when we see a baby cry on television because of the actions of man...life becomes simpler...no republicans, democrats, liberals, conseravtives, christians, muslims, budddist, nothing but the crying eyes and simplicity of a small child....simple and the truest definition of "pure love". The Taoist would call this Pi or "the uncarved block"....
The more we learn, the more we are to adapt, the more we adapt, the more we overlook, the more we overlook, the more we destroy.....
So to all the Kaedens out there in the world....in the words of Princess Lea...you are our only hope.
What did I tell ya? There absolutely no way I can explain these similarities between Kaeden and his dad better than Jason just did. And yes... Paul and I do say, "Kaeden is just like his dad" all the time. There is this, what I like to call " A Ray of Sunshine " that is always present when these two are around. Mornings around here are very odd...those 2 are full of smiles... "Good Mornings"...hugs and kisses, while Paul and I are walking around with our eyes half closed and full of grumpiness. Let's just say we don't do so well in the a.m. But our "Ray of Sunshine" catches up with us eventually after a strong cup of coffee and good glass of chocolate milk for Paul.

So here we are. This is "us"... and the ones that know us and are reading this...I know you are thinking "Yep that's them for sure!"...and I bet your thinking this with a smile. :0)